I start with the belief that people are innately loving, awake, and open. As we grow up, however, life experiences add layers of fear and insecurity, until our basic goodness has become so hidden we sometimes can’t remember it ever existing. We feel flawed and depressed, and in some essential way, “not enough.”

This is a painful state to be in, so we develop ways to avoid these feelings—often through addictions to drugs and alcohol, work, TV, sex, food. And through creating beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, like—“I’m just an angry person, “ “It’s safer to not talk about feelings,” “I don’t need anybody,” “If I let go of trying to control everything, nothing will ever get done.” We carry these beliefs and ways of distracting ourselves into our relationships, which makes it very difficult to be together in a conscious, open way. 

People have often accumulated so many stories over their lives, about “the way things are,” that they are no longer living in the present moment at all. They respond to their partner’s actions as if it were still yesterday, or last year, or fifteen years ago. This makes it impossible to move forward and allow something new and more positive to grow.

I help couples learn to feel what is happening right now, and to stay with those feelings, gradually becoming comfortable with them. This allows them to see each other as they really are, today, in the present moment rather than the past. Couples begin to move from being closed off to themselves and each other, to a position of genuine interest and kindness.

As a result, the conversation shifts from blaming and criticizing, (“Why can’t you ever come home when you say you will?”) to one that is much more meaningful (“I feel forgotten and disappointed when you come home late.”) Disagreements over being late, who does more housework, etc, do not just disappear of course, but when we get to the feelings underneath that are fueling the arguments, partners are much more able to listen to what is being said, feel empathy for the other’s position, and come up with a solution they can both be happy with.

Love, joy, and compassion are basic features of consciousness. They are already within you, not something you have to create. They are what is left when avoidance, judgment, and fear fade away. It really is possible, in this life, in this relationship, to have a radical and liberating transformation in the way you relate to your partner, and to the world around you.

If the above speaks to you and you are having conflict with a partner or are feeling dissatisfied with some part of your life, this way of looking at things may be helpful for you.